Dear Diary :: Would it Matter?
by SawyerxUndone
Summary: Mello keeps a journal while at Wammy's. He writes down everything he can't admit to Matt and things he can't even admit to himself. Rated M to be safe. Hints of onesided MelloxMatt. Possibly yaoi in later chapters.
1. Trapped

**Mello and I have a lot in common. I decided to write his "diary". Mello and Matt should be around 13. The year is 2002. Feedback is loved, but please don't flame.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or these characters (though I do wish Mello was mine).**

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_February 8th_

Sometimes I look out the window and think about running away. I don't know where to because I haven't really been anywhere but here. Still, I want to get away, because anywhere is better than this prison. I could steal some money from Matt ( he always has some cash stashed away) and just start running. No one would really miss me. I'm just a stubborn, violent kid.

Oh, I forgot to mention I'm second best. I'm the first to lose at everything. For example, I'll be the first to know I've lost the contest to become L's replacement. Who needs me? Not Matt; he has his video games. Not Near; I'm just his competition. Certianly not Roger; I'm just a disturbance. What would they do if I disappeared? Would they look for me? Would Matt care? I wish he could care, the way I care about him. I wish he would start crying, screaming out my name a thousand times over in a desperate tone. I wish he needed me.

There is something sadistic about Matt being my best friend. He knows how much I care about him. If he doesn't, he should. I would never spend all my time with someone I could live without. Maybe from the outside it looks like I'm in charge, calling the shots and kicking Matt's sorry ass around. The people who see it that way are wrong. He has always determined how a day plays out. Anything he wants I'll give him. Well, I give him a hell of a tantrum first, but if it's for Matt I'll always give in eventually.

It's unbearable to have what I truly want flaunted in front of me just out of reach. I want to taste him, his chestnut red hair, and his calloused hands. I know he must taste better than chocolate; he certainly looks better. God, I love him more than anything. Love. Ha. I didn't even know what that word meant when I got here. The only person I had "loved" left me all alone. This is precisely why when Matt claims, "You won't care about me next month" I know he's wrong. Love isn't a word I throw around lightly or take for granted. Love is the most powerful world in the whole fucking English language.

I can't deal with this, with these feelings. I don't understand them. They aren't just sexual either. Okay, maybe can feel myself harden whenever Matt and I wrestle or accidently bump into each other, but there is so much more behind it. I want to do things for him and make him feel safe. It's so fucking stupid, isn't it? But, no one ever made me feel safe, and Matt really only has me to talk to and depend on.

Anyway, this is why I need to get away. I can never escape this, not really, but maybe I can outrun it, escape it just for a few seconds. Maybe, if I weren't locked in this prison… I don't know.

Is it worth it?

They'd catch me eventually.

And I'd be back…

Where I started. Trapped.


	2. Shattered

**Mells is going to be in a shitty mood for a while because I've been in a shitty mood. I apologize. By Sunday he should improve and things may just get all lovey dovey. For now, enjoy Mello bitching about his nonexistent relationship. Feedback = love.**

**Again, I own none of these characters blah blah blah.**

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_Feb. 10th_

He was with that _other _boy today. Damn, Matt gets around. I wouldn't have cared so much if he told me himself. The fact that I heard it from that little brat… My best friend couldn't fucking tell me about his first time. I never thought it would happen like this. First of all, I thought it would be with me rather than some random bastard he found out of the blue.

I don't even know who the guy is. Well, I've seen him around before. He wears these gay silk shirts and skinny blue jeans; he looks like one of those Spanish assholes who think they're sauve or something. My Matt has such bad taste in men. A leather clad blonde would look so much better at his side. I will admit he could be trying to get revenge for that time Jade came on to me. It was nothing monumental, but Matt was pretty pissed about it. At the time, I had been "seeing" Matt, though we never actually did anything. That was hard, being with someone knowing your relationship has nowhere to go. Matt claimed we were "developing mentally", but I see no difference between that and regular friendship.

Jade came up to me one day during our free time. He liked me. He wanted me. Matt never made me feel the way Jade managed to. Well, Matt walked in on us in the act. Jade was on his knees and I was making a good amount of noise with my fingers laced into his hair. I hadn't meant for it to go that far, it's just hard to say no to such persistence. Matt refused to talk to me for a week afterwards. When he "got over it" we went back to being just friends. I even lowered myself enough to beg him to take me back. I held on to hopes that he would, eventually. That whole mess happened months ago and I woke up every day praying it would be the day he realized he needed me. Today those hopes were shattered.

I'm glad I didn't walk in on them. I would have been physically ill; I'm sick just thinking about it. Even Roger has been worrying about me today. Hell, I'm worried about myself. I want to tell Matt what a horrible mistake it was for me to cheat on him all those months ago. I want to tell him I would never have sex again in my life if it meant I could spend that time with him. I'm just so fucking angry with everyone. I guess it's childish to throw a tantrum when denied what you want, but I really don't care. I feel empty, hollow. If you pounded a fist against my chest I would echo; there's nothing inside.

I will never admit this, but I know I'm spoiled and impossible to please. One day I'll be the head of some vigilante gang and take out my unquenchable anger that way. For now, I just bitch about every little thing. Although, I honestly believe if Matt was by my side through it all I could turn out okay. Matt is the reasonable part of my brain; my personified sanity. Near seems to agree because he has been extremely cautious around me lately like I'm a ticking time bomb. He's even said to me, "It would be beneficial for you to sort out your differences with Matt, Mello." I can smell his fear from a mile away and don't blame him in the least. He should be scared shitless. I'm at a breaking point.

The only one who hasn't noticed is Matt himself. We hardly even talk anymore. I haven't had an actual conversation with him since the 7th. I don't know how that managed to happen seeing as we share a room. I just want my Sanity to stop screwing someone else and come back to me. This is the equivalent of pounding away at glass: At first there is only a few little cracks, but as the beating continues the little cracks branch out into a spider web and shatter the glass completely. The trouble with breaking glass isn't just the mess the glass will make but also the millions of sharp shards that go flying at anyone standing in the way. All of Wammy's will go up in flames. The whole institution be ripped apart at the seams and a bunch of other threatening metaphors that I don't have the patience to come up with. God, Matt, just get your ass back in my life.


	3. Collapsed

**I had hoped to get this up yesterday, but that proved impossible. I'll attempt a happier piece for tomorrow so look forward to that. It's hard for me to write Mello as a fairly strong, independent character when he has become so captivated by Matt. I tried to balance dependence and independence as well as strength and impulsive behavior. Let me know how well I kept him true to his** **character. I realized I'm not as strong as Mello during the process of writing this. I'm hoping that won't effect how I portray his character.**

**Also, the italics were purely experimental. I wanted to give everyone some M rated content. Tell me how that reads, if you will. The italics signify something that is not actually written in his diary, but happened the day the entry was written.**

**Again, I do not own any of these characters except Nix.**

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Feb. 12th

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His hands ran up and down the soft skin of his body. The room was quiet and he was completely alone. Matt's face appeared behind his closed eyelids and he moaned in longing. Lying down on Matt's bed, he brought his hand to his hardened length. The cold air didn't bother him in the least because he was so involved in his greatest desire. He moved his hand now, slowly at first, and gradually increased the speed. He brought his other hand up to his mouth and bit it, hard. Matt's name was screamed over and over again in his head. The pleasure traveled through his body in bursts as he neared the end.

Thoughts of auburn hair moving at the force of riding Mello. Matt's moans as Mello's length hit his prostate. Black and white stripes entering his line of sight. They both came at the same moment screaming the other's name. The hollow feeling was gone. They were the same, two parts of a whole.

Mello opened his eyes to a pitch black room. His hands were slick and his length deflated. Matt's sheets were slightly sticky. Mello sat up and shook his head, blonde hair flying in every direction. The second of fulfillment was hardly worth it. All he was left with was a mess and a magnified empty feeling. He would always be missing a part of himself. He felt the sting of tears trying to escape his eyes. He hardened his expression and refused to let them fall.

I talked to him for the first time in five days this morning. We exchanged a hesitant smile and I believe the greeting was administered by myself. He mumbled a "hi" to me before walking down the hall in the other direction. I let that one word add to my strength and propel me through the action to follow. I called his name without thinking and he stopped, turning slightly. Before I could stop myself I had him in my arms and pulled him close, protecting him. He didn't pull away, though he didn't return the affection. I thought he might be contemplating taking me back. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

"You're talking to me again, Mell?" Matt asked.

"You lazy bastard. Go steal me some chocolate, will you? I've been stealing it for myself. Do you know how much of a hassle it is?" I answered his question the only way I knew how: in a demanding tone and leaving out what I really meant, which was, "I've missed you."

"Mell, I've been busy lately. I assume you've heard of Nix?"

"Who?" I asked, blindly hoping he wasn't referring to who I thought he was.

"Nix. The guy I've been spending a lot of time with lately."

I didn't speak for a long time. My eyes were probably the only answer he needed. They were burning with anger I couldn't contain. Now that I had a name to the face it made Matt's "lover" more tangible and harder to ignore.

"Mello? Look, you've been distant lately. We can still be friends, but I have other people in my life now."

His lips turned up in a delicate, encouraging smile and I couldn't help but impulsively grab his shoulders and shake him harshly screaming, "I will NOT be second best with you too!"

The shock was plain on his face and I knew I should have let go, but I couldn't. Now that I had someone in my grasp to blame and punish I just wasn't able to stop. He would write it off as my normal selfish behavior and anger at losing my best friend. I knew it was much more. The anger took a long time to dissipate and I could tell he was growing bored with my physical display of it. I finally released him with reluctance and violently crossed my arms. He shook his head in mild annoyance.

"Do you feel better?" He asked as if the whole dramatic scene was just a hindrance in his schedule.

I just shook my head at him and mumbled profanities under my breath. I regret it now, but he deserved to feel pain. What I did wasn't even close to what he deserved. Everyone knows I have a soft spot for Matt and rarely ever harm him, but this was a special occasion. He wanted me to be his second priority. That hit a nerve. Near has told me I have an inferiority complex because I am never able to surpass him. He claims it causes me to act out and overcompensate by making others feel intimidated. Maybe he has a point. But this situation has more to it than me feeling inferior. After everything I've done for Matt I think I deserve to be his first. Before Matt, I didn't have "friends". I had followers who were disposable and only existed to do things I couldn't be bothered with. Those were simpler times and it was hard to believe they were less than three years ago. I miss the control.

I stole an entire box of chocolate from the kitchen before I wrote this. Roger is going to kill me, but I needed something to get rid of that empty feeling. It has become a constant presence that is extremely unwelcome. I've eaten eight bars of chocolate in the past hour and the page is covered with creamy flecks that fall between bites and I feel like I might throw up, but the hollow feeling remains. It's an old scar that has been torn open again. First my mother and now this. I haven't cried for years and dammit, if Matt makes me shed a tear I'll make him shed twenty.

***

I have just returned from my classes. Matt wasn't in any of them which is extremely odd. Near informed me Nix was missing also. I can only guess where the two of them ran off to. It isn't just that I'm worried, I am of course, but also… school is just so pointless without Matt to look forward to. I would love to be L's successor and solve detective cases. That's my aspiration and probably the second best thing that could happen to me. My mother would be so proud if I could be the best. But at the end of the day, that would be boring without Matt with me. I kept thinking, "I'll see Matt during lunch," or "I'll see Matt next class and sort things out then." I never realized how much of my life revolved around him. I'm starting to become dependent and that's the opposite of the type of person I want to be.


	4. Released

**I would adore anyone who gives me feedback on this. I know I had intended to put this up on Valentine's day, but I got a bit lazy, so it's over a month late. I apologize, but hope you enjoy it all the same. Again, I own nothing but the plot idea.**

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March 13th

It had been exactly a month since I last talked to Matt. His presence lurked at the back of my mind driving me insane. I attempted to go on with life as best I could. My rivalry --or hatred-- for Near began to heat up even more. I almost started to have sexual thoughts about the little creep. That could have been why I decided I needed to clear things up with Matt. Or, it could have been that he's my roommate and rather hard to ignore. The reasons don't matter. What's important is that I did talk to him. We did more than talk.

I walked up to him yesterday after our classes and looked at him from under my lashes with a pleading gaze. He stared back at me for a second with mild confusion before sighing and asking "What?" in a fairly bored tone. This disheartened me, but I continued to stare at him until I worked up the nerve to say, "Stay in tonight, Mattie."

His mouth opened as if he had something to say, but no sound came for a drawn out minute. Matt was never a very talkative person, but when he said nothing I assumed he didn't like my idea or even the fact that I was talking to him. My eyebrows nit together in a frustrated expression and I pivoted on my heels ready to walk away. Matt put a hand on my arm to stop me. "Okay," he said in a monotone even I couldn't detect any emotions in.

Regardless of his seeming distaste at the idea, we were sitting in front of our small TV watching a movie. He didn't mention Nix once during our time together. For this I was grateful, because my jealousy and anger tend to overpower my otherwise nonchalant demeanor. Our previous fight was forgotten and we were sitting close together.

"Hey, Matt?" I asked him sometime during the middle of the movie when we were still sitting too far apart for my liking.

"Huh?" He asked his eyes never leaving the television.

I moved closer to him on the small, tattered couch and leaned against him so that my head was resting on his chest. I was asking him a silent question: _Will you let me stay here? _He snaked his arm around me and didn't say a word. I took that to mean: _Sure you can. _My head was swimming and there was a pleasurable buzzing in my ears from our proximity. It took me a few minutes to calm down and notice that I could hear and feel a dull thump. It was rhythmic and soothing. It perplexed me for a second before I realized it was Matt's heart. His heart. Pumping blood throughout his body. Keeping him alive. Making him warm. I smiled and nuzzled into his chest with a newfound satisfaction. Matt felt so vulnerable like this. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head stopped being a whirlwind of confusion and all I could focus on was that wonderful rhythm.

"Mello? Are you asleep? You're missing the good part," Matt commented after about 10 minutes of silence.

"Naw, I'm still awake, Matt," I answered him although my attention still wasn't focused on the movie.

I felt his softly touch my hair. He grew bolder and absently began to play with it, twirling strands in his fingers. Occasionally he would lightly brush his fingertips against my head causing a tingling sensation and an increased rhythm of my own heartbeats. After a few minutes of this I felt blood rushing to places in my body that it shouldn't be rushing to. I shifted uncomfortably and pressed myself closer to him. I wanted to moan his name, scream it even. I needed him to be touching me.

I felt an uncomfortable hardness between my thighs and shifted my legs so I was laying on my right side concealing my excitement. Matt continued toying with my hair and I grabbed his other arm and pulled at the sleeve of his striped shirt. I pulled his arm over to my thigh and he began stroking it so that my breathing became heavier. I was still suppressing the urge to moan. My need was almost unbearable now. Every stroke brought sparks of pleasure running up my thigh. The pressure between my legs was growing and I bit my lip worried he would notice.

I unlaced my own arms from around his neck and rested one hand on his upper thigh. I felt his member briefly and I noticed it was almost as hard as mine. I looked up at him uncertainly. He noticed the direction of my gaze and stared back through his goggles. "Do you want me to fix that?" I asked almost breathless from being so close to him.

He didn't answer for a second. That was like my Matt. He always needed a second to contemplate his decisions. Finally, he nodded his head. It was so subtle a movement that someone who didn't know him might miss it. I, fortunately, knew him very well. I sat up reluctantly --It was so cold and quiet being so far away from him-- and unbuttoned his jeans. He lifted his hips and allowed me to slide them down his slender thighs. I smiled when I uncovered his erect length. It was a decent size and looked absolutely mouthwatering. I bent my head and took it into my mouth. The salty taste of precum was the first thing to assault my senses. After that, I noticed a moan escape Matt's lips and an upward thrust of his hips that almost gagged me. I used my hands to hold his hips down and tried to remember how to proceed. This was the first time I had ever done this and it was so new to me.

After a second of so I knew to move my head forward and backward. Every time I did so he moaned and this made me go faster because those wonderful noises made more blood run to my own member and soon I was moaning as well. "Mello," he would say when the moans became repetitive. A loud noise erupted from him when I reacted to my name by moaning around his member. I was on cloud nine. His pleasure was my pleasure. Even with him inside of me I didn't feel close enough to him. He threw his head back and cried out soon after I had started. Warm, salty liquid erupted into my mouth and I swallowed it back wanting all of his juices inside of me. We're young and can't be expected to hold off too long, but I wished desperately he could have held off a bit longer. I was close to the edge myself by just doing that sinful act to him and rubbing myself against the couch.

Matt composed himself faster than I did and noticed the pained expression on my face. It _was_ painful now. He tugged on my wrists and I stood up, embarrassed by my erection. He simple smiled and pulled me onto his lap. He cupped me and rubbed until I was moaning the same way he had been earlier. I began to move of my own accord against his palm and soon I was chorusing him name. The movements became more erratic and I screamed a last time when he squeezed a bit. I emptied into my own jeans and rested against him panting. He patted my hair again to soothe me. Footsteps were heard outside my door.

"Matt? Mello? Are you boys alright?" The voice came from a concerned Roger.

"Yeah, we're just playing a pretty intense videogame," Matt managed to say in his normal tone of voice.

"Keep it down. Kids are trying to sleep," Roger replied irritated.

Matt and I remained in that position for a while, silent. My panting ceased and I resumed listening to the beat of his heart. I fell asleep in his arms and woke up the next morning on the couch alone in my soiled jeans. Matt had gone to breakfast but he left a note on the nightstand:

"I think I'll stay in tomorrow night too. Hope you don't mind. -Matt."


	5. Lost

This is the last chapter of Mello's journal. It's a bit out there, but I had an idea and went with it. Feedback is loved. I hope you get some enjoyment out of my twisted mind. The song Mello quotes is "Again, Again, and Again" by Blaqk Audio.

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_Two Years Later_

I don't know what year it is. All I know is that I did something horrible. I'll never forgive myself and yet, I feel free. I'm finally free.

Matt and I had some good times at Wammy's after my last entry. Unfortunately, he said to me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I never thought I would hear that infamous line. It was out of the blue and caused a searing pain that made me actually scream. "Our relationship was a compromise. I didn't want to lose you and I know you wanted me," he continued. I think I started crying at that point. Most of it is a blur. I guess I blocked out the pain. Anyway, I ran away that night. The note I left on Matt's bed read:

"_What'll it take for you to surrender?  
I gave you a taste. Oh how you've grown.  
This great trial, this self denial  
It's a trial to leave you clean cause I like it dark and low,  
You know."_

The words weren't even mine. They came from a song that never left my thoughts. I thought maybe it would give him a hint as to where I was going, but he never figured it out. Or maybe he never cared enough to try. I thought maybe he would pick up on the "leave you clean because I like it dark and low." I was headed to join the mafia. Gun in hand and only a death wish to call my own, I figured it was suicide. Instead, they took me in. Figure that. I shot the mafia boss and all those losers looked to me. I was just a kid. I'm still just a kid.

I was powerful for a while. But, Roger contacted me from Wammy's. I have no idea how he found me. He said Near and I were on the Kira case because L had died. I, of course, never truly gave up my dream to become a detective. I had my boys keeping tabs on the case, naturally. With this shocking news, I immediately went in search of Near. Matt was always on my mind, but I wasn't about to go running back to him, no way.

"_Mello," Near said, monotone, as I barged into his makeshift office. Bodyguards surrounded me in a second, but Near waved them off. The boy was an idiot. It was good to see nothing had changed._

"_So, Near, old friend, how's life been treating you?" I asked as I walked around his office inspecting the toys that littered it. "You haven't kept in touch with my old buddy, Matt, have you?"_

"_I am not your friend. And Mello knows Near doesn't like Matt very much," he answered, fiddling with his blocks._

"_Put those down you damn idiot! Look at me! What do you know about Matt? Where is he?" I screamed, unable to keep it in any longer._

"_Matt left Wammy's a month after Mello did. He wanted to look for the Mafia. Near hasn't seen him since."_

_I processed the information for a second. Matt had looked for me? So he did care, just a little bit? I felt my heart pick up at the thought._

"_Now will Mello get out of my office? I have work to do on the Kira case."_

"_You brat! So do I. Show some respect for the mafia boss, would you?" as I talked, just like old times, a thought occurred to me. I could easily overpower him. He had already asked the bodyguards to step out. If I could be sly enough…_

_I stepped closer to Near and put my hands on his shoulders. I massaged them lightly, giving him a false sense of security, though I doubt he was fooled for a second. Before he could react, I maneuvered us so I was straddling him and his back was against the carpet. "How does it feel to lose control, Near?" I asked, fire in my eyes._

_At Wammy's, I had feelings for the kid. Strictly sexual, of course. Why not overpower him right this moment? Why not get my mind of my Matt for a minute? Near's terror fueled my want and I pulled down those stupid pajama pants he was always wearing. "Now you'll see how it feels to be fucked," I said, meaning it literally and figuratively._

_My own leather pants were pulled down and I shoved myself into him, letting an animalistic nature take over me. I wanted release. I hadn't had a good fuck since… since Matt. I plunged into him, savoring the cries echoing off the walls. I think they were a mixture of his and mine. He was hard, and that made me feel like a king. The little genius was hard for me. I thrust hard and fast, not caring about anything but release. My whole life I had been searching for release._

_He screamed when he came and I sighed when I did. I pulled out of him, watching the blood drip from his opening. I felt no remorse. He had been making my life miserable for years. If Matt wasn't enough to drive me insane, Near was. "How does It feel to be second best for once?" I said, motioning to our private areas- I was much bigger. He only moaned in pain. That was the one time I had seen Near cry._

I didn't see Near much after that. Actually, I don't think I've seen him at all. We talked, when we had to. Usually, he tried to talk me out of insane plans. After I found Matt, every plan was insane. I could do anything when I was with him.

_The bar was dimly lit and I was grateful. My goal tonight was to forget who I am. The room had started spinning when I caught sight of auburn hair. At first, I assumed it was just a trick of light or an illusion even. I dreamed about him all the time, this was only the next step to insanity. "MATT?" I called anyway, much too loudly. The owner of the auburn hair turned around. Sure enough, I was staring at his face. He looked so much older, yet exactly the same. The goggles that tinted his world orange were still attached to his face and that striped shirt that frequented my dreams was still there. "Mello," he said, just like in my dreams._

_I shakily pushed myself off my stool and walked over to where he stood. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been to steal my own damn chocolate?" I asked. I was hoping he would remember that was my favorite phrase to say when he disappeared for a day or two. He smiled in recognition and replied, "I've been busy."_

"_I heard you were looking for me. Why did you stop, you bastard?" I asked, honestly curious._

"_Who said I did? I'm standing in front of you now, aren't I?" he asked._

_I grabbed onto his hand and refused to let it go. He would be mine until the day he died. I knew then that was what was meant to be._

Matt and I were never the same. The way I remembered him wasn't the way he was. I still loved the jerk, but he still didn't love me. Honestly, I was done with that crap. I had left in a rage hoping the next time we met he would be in love with me. Instead, we were back to square one. I was mad and made a rash decision. I planned something so awful that I couldn't even forgive myself.

"_Mattie, today's the day we put this in action," I told him as we parted ways, him in the car and me on the motorcycle, "I'll grab Takada and you'll keep the police on your tail."_

_I started to rev the engine, but Matt yelled my name. "If either of us gets killed… I love you, Mello."_

_I was shocked, but as soon as my composure was regained I replied, "No you don't, but thanks for saying it."**_

_With that, we rode off to meet our fate. After I grabbed Takada, I rode full speed to the van I had planned to trap her in. As I went through the motions of confiscating her clothes and generally scaring her to death, I was all too aware of what must be happening to Matt._

_I was driving the van when I saw the news on my small screen on the dashboard. They showed Matt laying dead in the street. I pounded my fist against the steering wheel in frustration. Did I really just kill my best friend because he couldn't love me. "Matt, I never thought you'd _be_ killed. Forgive me." I had poisoned him that morning, figuring he could go in peace while driving, crash the car, and make it look like an accident. Instead, that creep got out of the car and tried to reason with the cops. One second before his pill kicked in, it seemed._

I'm sitting in this stupid van still, but I know what's coming next. Takada has a piece of the death note on her, I'm sure of it. That's the main reason she would ask to keep her undergarments. She can kill me, no, she will kill me any second. I'm praying for death. I can't to live with this pain. Knowing I sent Matt to his death, knowing I had wanted to kill him…"Matt, please, forgive me."

**** That's a direct quote from Buffy (Season 7, last episode). I've always loved it and couldn't resist.**


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